The last 6 months I feel a shift within me that I seems unable to name. I remember as a child the joy & excitement I would feel radiate throughout my body when I was told that I would be spending the night at my paternal grandparents house; or that my siblings & I would be going to Geauga Lake the next day for my Grandpa’s work picnic. So much happiness I would feel inside, it made it impossible to sleep. I have been unable to feel that kind of joy, happiness or excitement for a few years now but it’s been more noticeable… intensely pronounced… over the past 6 months.
It’s not depression, I am well aware of what that darkness of the soul feels like. I’m not sad or despondent. I don’t sit here planning on how I am going to end my life, quite content to let life takes it’s natural course. And it’s not as if I’m totally emotionless. I can still carry on a conversation; continue to get up morning after morning & do all that needs to get done. My hair gets washed, my legs get shaved & the day to day chores & errands silently get checked off my daily list. But it’s all “stuff” that I am filling the space with. There is no emotional attachment to any of it. It matters not to me if I get done within a certain time frame. If there wasn’t time to do the laundry today, tomorrow will suffice just as easily. There is no feeling upset, nor is there a satisfaction for a job well done. Eh… who cares? It is what it is & I just keep moving forward… moment to moment, day to day, year to year.
This morning I am in the bathroom going about my mourning routine & thinking out loud as is my norm. I’ve been on vacation for the last 16 days & tomorrow I return to the grind. I am not looking forward to going back… I have enjoyed not feeling angry, hurt or frustrated by the circumstances I am confronted with every day. A challenging dilemma that seems as if there is no solution for that will benefit the whole. I feel stuck, I don’t want to feel this sense of hopelessness. Again I look skyward to ask God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to give me guidance, show me the way… please send me an answer that will satisfy everyone. And then I quickly wonder if this will be the prayer that will be answered, because all the previous ones seem to have been ignored. And I feel so so alone. Where are my Angels? My God, why is thou forsaking me?
And I shake my head to clear the thoughts as tears of frustration dry on my cheek. It’s time to brush my teeth & get my clothes on, no time for dwelling on negative thoughts… much to accomplish on my list this day. As I put the cap back on the toothpaste & carefully lay it on the shelf in the medicine cabinet, I become aware of a song that just started playing on the radio I keep in the bathroom…. an oldie that I remember use to love to listen to as a child… and as I bring my focus back to the present & out of my head, I am able to hear the words clearly… almost as if they are being sung only for me….
ooo-ooo child, things are going to get easier,
ooo-ooo child things’ll get brighter;
ooo-ooo child things are going to get easier,
ooo-ooo child things’ll get brighter…
and for a moment I wonder, is this a sign for me? A message from Spirit that things are about to turn around & get better? And I realize I am holding my breath & I slowly let it go. Dare I believe, for yet the millionth time, that there’s an answer to all of this or is it another fantasy in this mind of mine that never sleeps? Could it be a false hope created by my deep longing for a positive change? There’s a huge difference between believing in something & having faith. Belief is an opinion or conviction about a thought or idea; Faith is a confidence or trust in a thought or idea. Am I past the point of having faith? I am weary of playing this game called “Life”.
But I will bide my time….. marching forward like the good child of God I am… to fill another day’s space with “stuff”. Playing the role I chose for myself, speaking the parts & acting out the scenes.
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts…” –Shakespeare
This is one of my favorite songs! I just got an email from you from Freecycle and came here to your blog. I enjoy your writing.
Peace!
~ Susan
Thank you Susan, I’m glad to know that you enjoy my writing. Please don’t hesitate to share the link.
Blessings…
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