So I’m in a deep funk of ‘the blues’ & angry as hell…. and then feeling guilty for feeling so angry & depressed. I sat on my bathroom floor this morning just crying my eyes out. Why? Because I am such a giver. I give to everyone. I give because I strongly believe that we are all God’s children & we need to help one another out. Life is too difficult & painful to go it alone.
And I give without expecting anything in return because it gives me joy to be able to help lift someone else’s burden. Even if all I do is to sit quietly & listen & then give them a hug. Sometimes that human contact – that skin to skin feeling – is so necessary for survival. I imagine that this is how God would want us to treat one another… the energy of light & love in motion.
But then, there are times like now when I am down & out on my luck and it would be a welcome blessing to have someone reach out to me to help in my time of need. But it seems that never happens. It’s then that I get angry & frustrated & hurt. And I’ve been talking in my head with God all day long. I told Him that I’m tired of being alone; tired of dealing with feelings of abandonment. Heart sick of feeling isolated & lonely. I asked God why He doesn’t send people to me when I need the help? I asked if I was unworthy? And as I wiped off the last tear rolling down my cheek
I asked . . . “Don’t You love me?”
And then this afternoon something happened that made me catch my breath & hold it. Something totally unexpected. One of the customers pumping gas came over to me because he noticed my car wasn’t at work. I told him I had so much snow in my driveway that I was unable to get in or out of it so I had caught a ride to work. That the regular man who generously plows my driveway wasn’t able to at the moment because his plow was broken. That everyone else who advertises “Will do snow plowing” told me that Middlefield is too far for them to drive to. He then asked me if I needed a ride home later. I told him that yes, as a matter of fact, I did need a ride. He asked me what time & I told him 5:30 & he said okay… see you when you get done. Then he turned to run towards his truck but slid to a stop & turned around & pointed his finger at me and said….
“By the way… God does love you!”
then turned to finish running to his truck while big fat snowflakes slowly fell around us like God’s snowglobe. I felt both frightened & awed at the same time by this experience. Scared because hey… God CAN hear my thoughts! And so lovingly awed because hey… God DOES hear my thoughts. ♥
“Dear George,
Remember no man is a failure who has friends.
Thanks for the wings!
Love,
Clarence”
–Quote from the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”