Do any of us really have control over our lives? There are times when I use to think so. One area I believed we had total control of was our morals, values & principals. I mean that’s what makes us who we are, right? I sit here shaking my head in sadness over the way I use to be. Over the reality of how I must have hurt some of the people around me. Who was I to feel so righteous?
I have learned that life is ever changing, evolving, morphing us into new directions – adventures! Life does not stand still. If it did, we would stagnate. Oh yes, I agree that change can seem frightening at times. In a dysfunctional sort of way we become comfortable within our discomfort. It’s a familiar state of being… something we can count on day in, day out especially when we feel that we can’t count on anything else. There is the knowing that tomorrow will be mostly exactly the same as today and I know that I can survive that as I’ve done a hundred times before.
The Universe has a way of changing us. You don’t believe me? Ask yourself this… and I don’t need to know the answer… are you the exact same person you were 10 years ago? 20 years ago? 30 years ago? Do you look the same? Have the same belief system you had then? I know that I’ve changed in countless ways and I’m happy to say a lot of them are for the better. Here’s an example:
A very long time ago, when I was in my teens and then through my 20′s and into my early 30′s, I use to be what is known as a Pro Lifer. I firmly believed with all of my entire being that no one, under any circumstances, should get an abortion. I was adament about it even going so far as to wear the tiny feet pin on my smock label at work to announce to the world around me… “I believe in life!” I am ashamed to say that I had no compassion… no sympathy for the young girls I worked with who found themselves young, single & pregnant & were considering abortion as a way out. I felt such anger! How could anyone ever consider ending an innocent life that did not ask to be put in this position to begin with!!! Wow, my eyes fill with tears over the memory of that. When these beautiful young girls who found themselves emotionally hurting, were reaching out for advice – guidance, I was preaching ever lasting hell & damnation to them. Unbelievable.
Then something happened to me in the fall of 1999 that shook the earth beneathe my feet, turning my world inside out & all of a sudden I didn’t know what I believed anymore. Early one morning, my bright & beautiful 17 year old daughter called me from school and she was crying. Never a good sign when your teenager calls crying so I immediately went into ‘panic mode’… what’s wrong? are you hurt? why are you crying??? Through heavy sobbing my daughter told me that she was pregnant. Pregnant! Ok, someone pinch me please… I’m having one of THOSE dreams again & I’m really not liking it thank-you-very-much! But no – oh no - my precious baby was telling me that she was having a baby. My body began to shake… I felt dizzy, slightly nauseated… this can’t be right! My daughter is a senior in highschool while attending her freshmen year of college, making plans to become a well known surgeon. There’s no plan for a baby! Where do you see “get pregnant at 17″ written in the dang script?!?!
When I hung up the phone I sat down & cried the entire day away. I could not stop the flood of tears… believe me, I tried. Just when I thought I had run out and I had pulled myself together, my heart would break wide open with the most horrendous pain I ever felt & the tears would pour forth yet again. What were they thinking… were they thinking at all! Children. Young love. What do they know! I gave myself a few days to get myself together and then I sat down with this precious child of mine and said…”Amber, tell me what you’re feeling; tell me what you’re thinking; share with me everything that is going through you. And I held her hand, looking deep into that young, confused & frightened face and I forgot all about me & how I was feeling. This little girl with the big heart was hurting and what she needed now was unconditional love & understanding. My mind began to drift back to the night I came up with her name. I was 6 months pregnant with her and had just gotten off work at 11 p.m., and I had arrived at the babysitters house to pick up my 3 year old then go home. As I walked up the sidewalk leading to the front door, I looked up at the sky which was showcasing a hundred million diamonds. So pretty, I thought… so beautiful is that amber color of light. Amber. Amber!!! That’s what I’ll name this baby of mine, after the color of the stars in the universe! I smiled, slowly bringing my attention back to the situation in front of us and as I listened to everything that was going through her mind, it began to dawn on me that no matter what choice she made – whether she aborted the baby, gave the baby up for adoption or decided to keep the baby – I would support her 100%.
The next day while I was at work ringing out the customer’s groceries, I happened to look down at my smock & noticed that I had lost the pair of little feet I’ve been wearing for 20 years. How odd, I don’t remember hearing anything hit the ground… hmmmm, I wonder when that happened! But you know what? It really didn’t matter that they were gone. I didn’t feel the same as I did just a few days ago & they no longer symbolized who I had now become. A Pro Choicer. And who really knows if that is how I will always feel about the subject. Life continuously changes… and so do I.
Oh yeah, on July 17th of 2000 my beautiful baby grandson was brought into this world & I was blessed enough to be a part of Amber’s labor coaching team. As for her ruining her entire life? Not even close! She is a full time RN at Cleveland Clinic and she works part time in the Thoracic Open Heart unit too. Her dream is to become a Life Flight Nurse & I’ve got a feeling that she will too!
Technorati Tags: Baby, Change, Love, Pro Choice, Pro Life
